Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
