At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
