Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
