Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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