I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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