I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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