well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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