I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
