Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
