I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
