Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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