Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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