so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
