I need to stop coming to work sober
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
