I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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