even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
