I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
