and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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