so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
