I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
