My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
should my penis look like a turkey
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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