It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
