ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just gargled with NyQuil
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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