im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
