I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
