First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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