well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
