i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
