I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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