My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need water and some morals
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
