oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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