God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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