I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
