My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
