Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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