I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
