apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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