Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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