I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
