Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My bed smells like the plague
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
