I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
