it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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