I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
