You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
