apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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