Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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