I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
