i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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