life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
