Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
