dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
